Dear Christian Bale

Dear Christian Bale,

According to Wikipedia, when it comes to Newsies you are "not a fan of the film." About it you reportedly said, "Time healed those wounds. But it took a while." To which I say:

Get over yourself.

"Time healed those wounds"? Really? You're talking about a Disney musical you made when you were 17. You sang, you danced, you used a terrible accent. You were 17. When I was 17, I was wearing skater pants, Doc Marten's and had a pacifier on my key chain, yet I seem to be able to talk about it without it sounding like I lost my mother in a wildebeest stampede or found my spouse sleeping with the mailman. And yes, okay, so my teenage follies were not committed to film. I doubt my teenage follies ever inspired drinking games, or sing-alongs from the beach or even performed the simple task of making a 23 year old temp worker feel better about her day. My teenage follies did not bring the masses unbridled joy.

I mean, really. Get over yourself. There are worse things you could have been than the King of New York.

Are you really so humorless that you can't enjoy the fact that you were part of this movie? This ludicrous ridiculous, wonderful movie beloved by everyone I know (and probably most people born between 1984 and 1990). Is that really such a blight on your past? You auditioned for Batman and Robin, for Chrissake. You were in that atrocious A Midsummer Night's Dream. You provided a voice for Pocahontas. Has time healed those wounds, I wonder?

I want to like you. Love you, even. You are beautiful and talented and in a host of my favorite movies. Henry V! Little Women! The Prestige! YOU'RE BATMAN FOR F%&*^'S SAKE! It's like you hand-tailored your resume to pluck at my heart strings. But you know what that resume includes? Yeah, that's right. Newsies.

I want to like you, but you make it so hard, what with your vocally abusing that sound guy and the accused assault and the fact that I never see you smile. You were so charming as Laurie! So adorable as the one of Falstaff's boys! And seemed to be having so much fun as Jack Kelly. So why, Christian, why must you push this past of yours away from you? Is it so terrible that before you became a "serious actor" you had a little fun?

Come back, Christian. We miss you, here, in Notajerktopia.

Still jealous of Sarah after all these years,

emma